I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
