What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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