I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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