weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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