I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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