Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
