Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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