no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
