I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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