I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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