How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
