if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
