The best revenge is premature balding
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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