My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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