we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
