the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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