Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
