Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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