dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
