WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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