yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
