Just fell off a train. Bad.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
