god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
