so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
