Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
whose parrot is this?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
