Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
