Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
