you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
