i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
