ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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