I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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