remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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