You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
