my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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