Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
