If i come over, it means nothing
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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