I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
