google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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