yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
