my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
