R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
