What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Someone shattered a urinal.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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