Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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