I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
