Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
