There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
