my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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