i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
