WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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