Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
