your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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